may forever pa rin: do migrant couples stick together longer?


Quinones1_0

Thanks and acknowledgment for the Quinones family pic to newzealandnow.govt.nz and of course the Quinones family! maraming salamat po!

[ NoteCongrats to Anita Mansell, Bulwagan Foundation Trust and all the organizers, sponsors and participants in Fil-Trip of Wellington! ]

IF WE had removed that question mark at the end of the title above, it would be so presumptuous sounding. Why would migrant couples be considered any more loyal to each other than their home-bound counterparts? Why would I discriminate against couples who chose to stay in the Philippines, raise families and remain close to the extended family?

And that’s why, spoiler alert po, there is nothing scientifically accurate or facts-based about my idea that couples who migrate, either together or one shortly after the other (for practical reasons) have a better chance at their relationship than a similar couple back home.

But my experience and empirical observation (just looking around me and keeping eyes and ears open) leads me to believe that migrant couples have a lot of factors going for them. I’m almost sure that many  many couples have a stronger, stabler and long-lasting relationship relatively speaking, than if they had stayed at home, chose not to make sacrifices in terms of finances and career, and chose to devote more time to each other in the Philippines.

You see, more than singles or people recovering from broken relationships couples particularly tend up to give a little more leaving familiar shores of the homeland. They leave solid jobs, the comfort of extended families, the stability of home-based finances etc. The chances of earning more and saving more may be greater overseas, but the uncertainty is daunting.

The clear motive for couples is the future. Raising young families and committing more time for each other, returning to the basics of the marriage, that, as well as of course the quality of life, seems to be the focus. In my humble opinion, what do migrant couples have going for them?

Fusion of goals. In marriage and relationships we often hear of alignment or adjustment of goals. We do this for harmony in the relationship, or bonding of the couple, or spending of more time together, natural objectives in any long-term relationship.

When a couple migrates, the alignment or union of goals becomes not only desirable, it becomes essential to the continued survival of the two members of the relationship, which is what makes up the couple after all. Alignment is now fusion of goals, what is the goal of one becomes the goal of the other as well. Everything, from the finances, to scheduling of jobs, free time, even the minutest details of routines in daily lives, becomes a total team effort. Only migrant couples will fully appreciate this observation, but it is extremely relateable to any couple that strives to do things together. To a romantically neurotic degree nga lang.

Less or no secrets from each other. Aminin na natin (let’s admit it), no marriage or relationship is perfect. And one of the greatest thorns on the side of the happy couple are the secrets and skeletons in the closet. We’re only human, and there are things that out of fear, guilt or awareness that a partner might get hurt we tend to keep from our spouses.

Because migration forces us to be extra extra-close to our loved ones, keeping secrets become impossible. Remember, nearly ALL our free hours after work are spent together. If ever we have recreational activities with or without the kids, 99% of time it will be spent together. Honesty and openness between husband and wife becomes second nature, the family could not survive otherwise. Anyone caught in a lie would spell disaster not only for the couple but the rest of the family as well. Anong mukha ang maipapakita nila kapag umuwi sila sa Pilipinas? And so out of necessity or love (or maybe both), the couple becomes true, or truer to each other. And the winner ultimately is the relationship.

Us-against-the-world circle the wagon mentality. Because of priorities, necessity and the nature of migrant living, everything takes second place to the family. All other distractions, like hobbies, physical activity, sometimes even religion are kept outside the focus of daily life of the migrant couple. Instead of making their relationship more difficult, it most likely will make them closer.

The couple (and by extension, their family) have no choice but to concentrate on each other, their needs, hopes and dreams. Not coincidentally, the partners’ hopes and dreams become similar, and ultimately identical to each other. Which, when you think about it, is what marriage and  a relationship is all about. When two become one.

Someday, psychologists, social scientists and relationship experts will find a way to break down how much more (or less) successful migrants couple are than other kinds. In the meantime, we’re just waiting to confirm what most of us already know: that in the migrant couple’s experience, may forever (there’s such a thing as forever).

Thanks for reading!

Advertisements