[Note : Not only is this a work of fiction, it is also a piece of irony, most of it. I think. Thanks for reading!]
I DON’T KNOW about you Precious Reader, but please indulge Your Loyal Blogger: I feel the yearlong, Palace-led and Legislature-accommodated attack against our most well-known Senadora is misogynistic, unprofessional and uncharitable; that paying political favors by allowing despots’ burials on heroes’ ground is, to say the least, ill-advised; and spewing invectives against the most powerful nation on earth because one was denied a visa decades ago is childish.
But unless the PCOO is psychic, they don’t know this.
That’s how I get my precious interview with Tatay D, who is in New Zealand following a roundabout trip to Peru and back home. A time-consuming way to avoid certain major airports, but what’s a few hours here and there, especially when there’s protests aplenty against you back home?
Believe it or not, the five minutes of fame I have been promised, is exactly that, five count-em minutes. A New Zealand lady reporter is queued up after me, and this is what she looks like :
Now you know why I have five minutes (mahaba na ata yun, considering).
A few ground rules though. (For a five minute thingy?) Only one politics-related question. No questions requiring longish answers, and keep it short. As if five minutes weren’t short enough. Sigh. OK lang po.
Thank you for the five minutes Sir.
Call me Tatay D.
Maraming salamat po sa five minutes Tatay D. I won’t waste anymore of your time. Why do you say that the controversial Marcos burial issue is the fault of Presidents Cory Aquino and Noynoy Aquino?
The past administrations before mine had 12 golden years to change the law and allow the burial, and they didn’t. This is an issue between political families, and the past Presidents should have been non-partisan and buried (pun intended) the past. Built bridges instead of walls. Let bygones be bygones. Instead, I have to fucking deal with this (pardon the French, it’s his)! It’s a burden I could do without.
(Ahem. Now I know why I’m limited to ONE job-related (his job) question. Probably a blessing in disguise.)
Just one more question about recent events Sir, I mean Tatay D.
You seem to be especially impatient, not to mention short-tempered, with members of the foreign media during your press briefings. Any reason for that sir?
Do you want the short or long answer to that, kabayan?
(putting on my earplugs) Any answer that you find satisfying sir.
OK. All those reporters who ask me questions during my presscons, especially the white male reporters, are fucking GAY, ARROGANT BASTARDS AND SONS OF BITCHES with their own agenda. I have no respect or time for them.
And how about the female reporters?
Well, if they have the time for coffee, and a little more time after that, as long as they’re below 30, o sige na nga kahit below 40, I don’t mind them at all.
(Double ahem. Any more blessings in disguise?)
Tapos na ang political questions sir. Here’s an easy one. I’ve read somewhere that you are particularly interested in a renewed reclamation project off Roxas Boulevard. Is this true sir?
Yes, yes yes! It’s a project started by our former First Lady Imelda Marcos, whose husband I greatly admire and whose policies I study closely. If you recall my precious campaign pronouncements, the casualties of the war against DRAGS that I have started will be dumped there, the Manila Bay. if the dumping reaches a certain point the reclamation will be much easier. Good for anti-crime statistics, good for the fishes, and good for reclamation.
(Yuck. Kaya pala. I don’t even know why I asked that question.)
OK, Ok. You’ve been quite generous with your time sir. Last question na po. Now that you’re in New Zealand, you may have heard of the former Australian Prime Minister who is not only a very strict Catholic, but has also asked his daughters to remain virgins until they get married. What do you think of that sir?
Magaling kung ganon kabayan. Dapat, Mayor ang una. Um, Presidente pala.
Thank you very much sir.
Thus ending the longest five minute interview I’ve ever done.
If you’ve reached this far… Thanks for reading and mabuhay!