[ Note : With the exception of this short paragraph, best efforts were made to deliver this better-late-than-never letter in the version you see below to the proper recipients. While I expect that the letter, written and posted in the interest of blogger’s disclosure, will further drag me down in your esteem, ultimately it’s something I should’ve done long, long ago. Just to make sure, this is for C now in Taiwan, C now somewhere in California, M now in Vancouver, and one more person. I met them all in the old country. To the recipients, thanks in advance for allowing me to share!]
Dear Someone :
So many things I can’t do now, that I did without a moment’s hesitation only a few years ago. I also have to watch my diet these days, so many foods don’t agree with my various conditions.
And it takes longer than it used to when recovering from a strenuous day of work, or an extra-long run. (I have recently taken up running again.) A far cry from the time I knew you.
I won’t insult your intelligence by giving you a thousand and one reasons, least of all that it wasn’t about you as much as it was about me. Then I won’t rub salt on old wounds years and years after the fact, by saying sorry.
But if will help, I am sorry. That’s one of just two things I hopefully can establish here in this (obviously) much-belated letter.
***** ***** *****
Like many others on this earth, we are born (1) with an irrepressible need to like and be liked. More so, (2) by people who we are attracted to and who we feel stand a good chance of being attracted to us.
Unfortunately, by accident of being born at the same time, going to the same school, attending the same class, or joining the same club/organization, you were brought into a situation where overwhelmingly, you complied with needs (1) and (2). You would’ve known this almost immediately, because I lost little time in making my intentions clear.
Unfortunately again, once I was able to make you believe that what I felt was undying love and affection, I lost my focus and direction. Moreover, once I gained your trust and able to make you reciprocate my feelings, I honestly didn’t know what to do.
Realistically, we were not even the days of our youth; no job prospects; our lives ahead of us, so with me unable to trust my own feelings and intentions, not the slightest bit aware of the consequences of my actions, I was bound to do the inevitable and just leave you hanging…
…because there’s no mincing words about it, that’s what I did, I just left you without so much as a by-your-leave. One moment I was committing to you my heart and my soul, the next I was gone like yesterday’s news, and as the title of my letter says above, I behaved like a world-class a**hole. (Those asterisks are just for me sorry, just in case I cross the line of allowable words in a general-admission blog site. But I admit it, something you know I am, an orifice for a rectal thermometer that deserves the worst of your adjectives and modifiers. After all these years.)
***** ***** *****
As mentioned earlier, I present no excuses in my defense. Not even my immaturity and the impulsiveness of youth are enough to justify what I did to you, especially to you. What I did was God-awful, and you deserved better treatment. Much, much, better.
I may have tried to explain myself to you in years past but that might have not been enough, in fact it may have just confused you whether I was sincere in what I was trying to say. Regardless, I’m saying it now. I was a fool, and now I’m just asking that someday you can forgive me. Lord knows it’s been much delayed.
It looks like I’m hiding behind a letter, but one day if we meet (and I’m hoping we do), I will still ask for forgiveness face-to-face, regardless of who is present, and with your spouse / boyfriend / partner by your side, if you wish. I know this sounds selfish, but it is as much for me as it is for you. Looking at your recent photos, I know you have lived well and basked in the love of your family. I am happy for you. As I should be.
Be safe and be loved.
PS. Did I say I wanted to establish two things? I did. The second was that, after what I did to you, unsurprisingly, I got what I deserved. Hopefully that will be stuff for another letter, for another time. Peace!