[ Notes : Sincerest condolences to the family of JeffLu on their loss, many thanks to Mr RobinTong for the forwarded jokes and emails, to tse to Mr RodneyDiola for the kind comments, and a special thank you & acknowledgment to a special couple that was kind enough to share their story with us below. ]
Dear kabatch and friends :
DESPITE our fragmented civil status and sometimes hilariously unreliable state of mental health (relatively speaking) it pleasantly surprises us that occasionally couples come to us for advice.
Don’t laugh. Early this century one muggy p.m, a childless couple that lived a few flats down approached us and asked Koya paano ba makashoot na shoot kung gusto naming makabuo? Seemed that the hubby & wifey had been trying for more than a year but had yet to hit the jackpot.
Noting that they had been cohabiting (and presumably practicing some form of contraception) a while back, and having been told that their form of control was all-natural, we told them matter-of-factly, kung ano’ng ginagawa nyo nun para makaiwas ng baby, baligtarin nyo lang ang skedyul nyo ngayon.
Believe or not, childless couple took this tip to heart and they now have three, count’em three kids. All born within a year of each other.
Now here come composites of conversations (oral, written and electronic) between us and a couple who separately (they are both friends of ours) solicited our worldly experience regarding couple trouble :
ANGEL sez : NOel, I don’t know anymore if I love my husband. When he was courting, everyone approved of him, he was the perfect gentleman, and never tried to convince me to be intimate until of course after we were married. Ideal sya, in other words. It’s been 15 years since, and while he has been sweet and supportive, there’s no more spice to the relationship. To compound matters, I’ve met someone who I think I’ve fallen for, and while I realize I need to break up with him, I need to do it in person (he’s overseas), and I don’t think hubby understands this. Without judging me, please give me some guidance.
LUCKY sez : I don’t care if she takes advantage Kuya, the fact is I love her as much as I did the day we wed (he found out about her guy recently), he may or may not be deserving of her love, but the fact is, Angel has too much to lose by leaving her family and chasing the guy. My main focus right now is saving our marriage by all means and if this means wooing her back from scratch I’ll do it. I know I’ve lots of failures and shortcomings but I want to be the man she thought she married. Can you spare some words of wisdom for our sakes?
** ** **
Let me first convey how flattered I am albeit in sad circumstances that you’ve turned to me for advice, gosh knows I’m an unlikely source. Be that as it may, let me do my best :
LOVE and the resultant relationship that blossoms between two people is fraught almost from the very beginning by the inevitability of compromise. Without going into too much detail, a thousand and one details that used to be resolved by one decision-maker become the compulsory agenda of the meeting of the minds of lovers committed to a life together.
Whatever the level of compromise, as long as you know that the road ahead will continue to be full of challenges and that marriage or commitment remains a journey and not a destination, partners in a relationship will continue to keep their perspective fresh.
Seems to me that at least one of you is confusing cause for effect.
I’m not sure Angel if the two events happened nearly the same time, but just because you fell in love with another person doesn’t mean you’ve lost the love for Lucky at this point. Could it be that the perceived effect, your falling in love, might be the cause instead? Inasmuch as that involves a judgment on my part, I’ll leave that hanging awhile.
And just because, Lucky, you’re going all-out to win her back and save your marriage, doesn’t mean everything will go hunky-dory and your desired outcome will follow. Not the best intentions will always produce the best results, and believe me when I say I hope I’m wrong.
I’m not trying to discourage you, love is an intangible quantity that never falls out of the equation in deriving the calculus of marriage. But if you want to make a rational, complete and worthy attempt at understanding the foundations of your marriage. you must be ready to discover the prospect of its demise.
It seems trite, but if you rediscover the things that made you fall in love with each other, assess yourselves if you can find it within you to make those things part of you again, I wouldn’t be surprised if you can ignite the smallest spark that survives in your relationship, though it doesn’t seem that bright now. What have you got to lose?
Before I bore you to death even before you decide on what to do, may I just touch on one last issue : Angel, wouldn’t going all the way to the guy’s side just to tell him you don’t want to see him anymore kind of defeat the purpose of your announcement? If your desire to sever any romantic ties with him is your sincere objective, are you not risking too much by seeing him personally? Just my two cents.
Hanggang dito na lang, thanks for your faith in our counsel.
Thanks for reading !